Creating a shared understanding is the first step to finding a lasting solution. Without taking the time to explore each other’s perspectives, we risk making hasty decisions that lead to more misunderstandings and frustration.
Essential mindset
- Nothing can be resolved until understanding is reached.
- Our goal is to understand, not to win or be correct.
- Understanding requires talking and mutual vulnerability.
- Approach conversations with trust and a willingness to be uncomfortable.
Setting the stage
- Coordinate timing so both of you can make real time for the talk.
- Create privacy — a space free from external pressures and interruptions.
- Ensure comfort, and consider offering food or drink. Showing you’re thinking about them encourages good faith.
- Keep it one-on-one. Bringing others can make a person feel ganged up on or defensive.
- Allow cooling-off time if tensions are high — but not so long that the events aren’t clear.
- Set a specific time, rather than leaving it indefinite.
Starting the conversation
Express gratitude: “Hey Brian! Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”
Clarity is kindness — be upfront about your intentions: “I wanted to talk about a communication issue I think we had and find a good way to fix it for us.” State your goals explicitly: to be understood and to understand, to help (not hurt), and to fix the issue.
Sharing your perspective
Ask permission: “Do you mind if I give you a breakdown of the issue from my perspective?” Getting buy-in makes it a collaborative process. Then define the problem clearly, stay calm, and keep it conversational.
If they won’t talk, you can’t make them — communication is a two-player game. Reassure them you don’t want to win or be right, only to understand and be understood. If they still decline, let them know you’re always open to talking when they are.
Understanding their perspective
Make a clear transition: “Thank you for letting me explain my perspective. Can you help me understand how you felt and the way you see what happened?” Then create space and listen.
Active listening principles
- Be patient — let them say everything they want to.
- Reserve judgment; don’t lead with emotions.
- Trust their honesty.
- If you feel frustrated, set those emotions aside, listen for context, and filter what they say through empathy.
Asking the right questions: “How did that make you feel?” · “Do you think you felt that way because of…?” · “Do you think that may be rooted in a fear that someone may see you as…?” · “Sounds like you felt that way because of…” (summarize for clarity).
This is the hard part — they haven’t had the opportunity to process their feelings as you have. Be careful and patient. If they feel you’re hostile or unkind, they’ll shut down.
Effective communication is a two-player game that requires mutual participation and respect. Vulnerability and trust are essential, and the willingness to engage in uncomfortable conversations demonstrates your commitment to the relationship.