Effective conflict resolution begins with understanding ourselves before engaging with others. By examining our own feelings and perspectives first, we create a foundation for more productive conversations and lasting resolutions.
Understanding your emotions
Fear, anger, shame, and frustration are all indicators of a problem. They are not the problem itself. If you hold onto them, you won’t be able to explore other perspectives or get a deeper understanding of your own.
- Treat emotions as notifications rather than the problem itself.
- Acknowledge emotions, then let them go to explore the real issue.
- Allow yourself to move past the initial reaction and work to understand the feelings that that reaction is the result of.
The introspection process
- Think about your perspective. Write down or recount your current perspective on what happened.
- Identify your first impression. What is the most clear emotion you’re feeling right now — frustration, anger, fear, embarrassment, shame, or something else?
- Start digging deeper. Examine that first impression and figure out why you’re feeling this way. This is where you use Forgiveness — allow yourself to move past the discomfort so you can understand why you feel it.
- Name your feelings. After digging deeper, identify (and ask more questions about) the feelings that led to your initial emotions.
- Ask more questions. Keep asking until you understand how you felt and why. This is where Critical Thinking helps: “Why does that hurt?” · “Was it anger that I saw? Why did they feel that way?” · “What is the tension I feel?” · “Why does that matter?”
- Explore with compassion. Now think about them. Put yourself in their shoes. The other person is a human with a past, with fears, with good days and bad days. We all want something similar from life: safety, connection, and purpose. “Is it possible there’s something else going on? · Could I have misunderstood them? · What could compel me to act the way they did?”
- Identify outcomes. Pull out good questions to ask them, clear objectives for the conversation, and a clearer way to express yourself. Clarity is kindness.
A worked example: Brian & the mop
Your perspective: “Brian snapped at me a little bit and didn’t let me finish talking when I tried to tell him he was putting the mop away wrong.”
Initial reaction: “I was angry.”
Naming your feelings: “I was trying to help him, but it felt like he was lashing out at me in return.” · “I wanted him to appreciate what I was trying to do, but it seemed like he didn’t, and now I feel this tension.”
Exploring with compassion: “Maybe it wasn’t anger but insecurity that he didn’t know the right way to put the mop away — or fear that I would see him as unintelligent. I was putting effort into being helpful, but it wasn’t recognized.”
A crucial reminder: the other person’s perspective is unknowable until you ask them.
What to avoid
- Not being willing to listen or understand.
- Gossiping to others and damaging relationships.
- Intending to hurt the other person.
- Remaining stuck in secondary emotions like anger.
Remember that the goal is not to “win” but to understand and be understood, ultimately finding solutions that work for all parties involved.