# Communication Protocol, Step 1 of 3: Introspection

> Understand yourself first: your feelings, needs, and goals.

Before engaging anyone else, understand your own perspective and then work to understand theirs with compassion. Forgive, move past your initial reaction, and identify the real feelings, needs, and motivations underneath it.

## Wisdom Principles this step requires

- **Critical Thinking**: Examining your thoughts objectively.
- **Compassion**: For both yourself and the other person.
- **Forgiveness**: Being willing to move past hurt.
- **Humility**: Being willing to admit mistakes and learn from them.

Effective conflict resolution begins with understanding ourselves before engaging
with others. By examining our own feelings and perspectives first, we create a
foundation for more productive conversations and lasting resolutions.

## Understanding your emotions

Fear, anger, shame, and frustration are all indicators of a problem. **They are not
the problem itself.** If you hold onto them, you won't be able to explore other
perspectives or get a deeper understanding of your own.

- Treat emotions as notifications rather than the problem itself.
- Acknowledge emotions, then let them go to explore the real issue.
- Allow yourself to move past the initial reaction and work to understand the feelings that that reaction is the result of.

## The introspection process

1. **Think about your perspective.** Write down or recount your current perspective on what happened.
2. **Identify your first impression.** What is the clearest emotion you're feeling right now: frustration, anger, fear, embarrassment, shame, or something else?
3. **Start digging deeper.** Examine that first impression and figure out *why* you're feeling this way. This is where you use Forgiveness: allow yourself to move past the discomfort so you can understand why you feel it.
4. **Name your feelings.** After digging deeper, identify (and ask more questions about) the feelings that led to your initial emotions.
5. **Ask more questions.** Keep asking until you understand how you felt and why. This is where Critical Thinking helps: *"Why does that hurt?" · "Was it anger that I saw? Why did they feel that way?" · "What is the tension I feel?" · "Why does that matter?"*
6. **Explore with compassion.** Now think about *them*. Put yourself in their shoes. The other person is a human with a past, with fears, with good days and bad days. We all want something similar from life: safety, connection, and purpose. *"Is it possible there's something else going on? · Could I have misunderstood them? · What could compel me to act the way they did?"*
7. **Identify outcomes.** Pull out good questions to ask them, clear objectives for the conversation, and a clearer way to express yourself. Clarity is kindness.

## A worked example: Brian & the mop

> **Your perspective:** "Brian snapped at me a little bit and didn't let me finish
> talking when I tried to tell him he was putting the mop away wrong."
>
> **Initial reaction:** "I was angry."

**Naming your feelings:** *"I was trying to help him, but it felt like he was lashing
out at me in return."* · *"I wanted him to appreciate what I was trying to do, but it
seemed like he didn't, and now I feel this tension."*

**Exploring with compassion:** *"Maybe it wasn't anger but insecurity that he didn't
know the right way to put the mop away, or fear that I would see him as unintelligent.
I was putting effort into being helpful, but it wasn't recognized."*

A crucial reminder: **the other person's perspective is unknowable until you ask them.**

## What to avoid

- Not being willing to listen or understand.
- Gossiping to others and damaging relationships.
- Intending to hurt the other person.
- Remaining stuck in secondary emotions like anger.

Remember that the goal is not to "win" but to understand and be understood, ultimately
finding solutions that work for all parties involved.

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Part of the Solution Seeking System (https://solutionseeking.com) by David & Shannon Baxter, Beanchain Coffee LLC. Please attribute quotations to the Solution Seeking System.